Back in 2016, I was about to take on my first Yoga training,
I was curious, excited but one thing really scared me,
I knew that at some point I’ll have to sing.
To this day I’ve had never allowed myself to Aum at the end of a yoga class,
even less considered to attend a Bhajan circle.
I’ve always been afraid to sing
to the point that I would not even allow myself to sing under the shower.
Whenever I caught myself mumbling lyrics over a song I’d
instantly crumble into the hole of shame.
I’ll tell myself how horrible my voice is, that I should never sing and
pray real hard that no one heard me.
Truth is, I wanted to sing, it looks fun plus it’s cool right?
I have always admired those who do and
secretly wished that one day I’ll do the same
'I’m not a singer and I’ll never be'.
Beginning of July I hosted a retreat with my friend Maïlys,
a five days Yoga and Creativity retreat where we shared various
modalities of yoga and held several creative workshop.
Both Maïlys and I are highly creative, in our own way.
I paint, sew, write and do pottery.
Mailys, she writes poetry and songs, plays guitar,
makes jewellery and she sings.
A Bhajans night was planned for the retreat and
without a doubt Maïlys would be leading it.
Bhajans are devotional songs, not the kind of songs that will be a hit on the radio but rather designed to help you connect to a greater source and make you vibrate high. Bhajans night is not your typical gig, it is a moment of sharing where everyone is encouraged to sing along, of course, if you wish to remain quiet and listen, you can.
Came the Bhajan night
I was exited because I’ve grown to love it, also, very happy I didn’t have to lead 🙃.
One song, two songs passed when the musicians looked at each other with the question ‘what should we play next?’, to what I suggested ‘He Yama oh’.
A song I first heard in Peru during a ceremony, that I loved ever since.
‘Remind me how it goes?’ she says.
So I timidly started to mumble the lyrics, a bit terrified of
what my voice would sound like but yeah couldn’t turn back.
She looked at me with the softest eyes and said ‘you go’.
For a moment I felt terror crumbling in me like ‘no no no no’ and quickly remembered that Bhajans aren’t reserved to those who sing well, it’s not a performance, it’s a sharing, a moment of connection. Also, I was very aware that, as a host of the retreat, it will show a terrible example to fall into excuses and refuse to do it.
Bones shaking, I had to drop a little
‘bare with me, I have never sang in front of anyone like that’
I took a deep deep breath, closed my eyes and started to sing,
a capella, no instrument to hide my voice.
And you know what ?
It felt good
It felt good to sing
It felt good not to care of what my voice could sound like
It felt good to allowed myself to do something I was for long terrified of doing
Equally scared and proud of myself
I reopened my eyes to a room full of smiles.
I’m sure all of you can relate to that deep sense of fear.
Maybe for you it’s not the singing, maybe it’s dancing, start a new career, going out without make up… I don’t know
but I wanted to share this story with you to show that sometimes we make such a big deal of something out of fear and realise once it’s done it was nothing.
I didn’t crumble, the world hasn’t stop, no one laughed.
All the worst case scenario only existed in my head.
The reality is, that I enjoyed it even though I was terrified.
I wanted to share this story with you as a reminder
to not let the fear get on a way of what you want to do.
on the other side of fear there is a sense of freedom to be found, always.
That is being said from a girl that couldn’t even sing to herself in the shower,
to singing a capella in front of a group of people.
As Nelson Mandela once said
“It always seems impossible, until it’s done”
Thank you for reading me,
I appreciate you,